When it comes to milk, I’ve got plenty. Even training for a half marathon, not once have I had to worry about my milk supply. One time when I got the stomach flu, I was pretty much running on empty. But I gave it a day and voila, back to normal. I’m extremely grateful for that and do not take it for granted. (We did the formula thing with Sasha for a few months and I know how expensive that can get.) However, the more time goes on, the more I’m convinced that Liev isn’t giving up nursing anytime soon.
Never at any point as a mom did I think to myself that I’d be nursing past one year. I’ve always thought that ONE year is long enough (for me). They have teeth, they can ask for it, they aren’t really babies anymore…time to move on. Sasha stopped on his own around 9 months, mainly because I was down to only one feeding a day as a full time student (nowhere/no time to pump on campus). He took a bottle and binky just fine and when I couldn’t provide what he wanted anymore, he preferred the beloved bottle. It was over before I knew it and honestly, as busy as I was, I wasn’t really sad.
My situation right now though is SO different. I’m home 99% of the time with these kids, Liev refused a bottle and binky at 6 months old, and has been solely breastfed for most of his life. He didn’t even want any solids until around 10 months. No joke. He absolutely refused. And he LOVES nursing. The pure joy on his face every time that I go to feed him is ridiculously cute – it always has us laughing. Or maybe should I say had. I started weaning on Monday and I’m pretty sure Liev had his last breastfeeding sesh today. I’m feeling all the emotions.
A big part of me, bigger than the other, says it’s time. It’s been two years since the time I got pregnant with Liev and it’s time that I have my body back. Just to me. I need some form of freedom from my kids, after all, I rarely leave their sides. Yet the other part of me is slightly filled with sadness and guilt. And it’s silly, I know. He is coming up on 16 months and I should be patting myself on the back for actually getting to this point. (At 9 months I REALLY wanted to quit – he wouldn’t eat solids and I was exhausted.) It’s just that I hate to take away his favorite thing. The one thing that really gives him ridiculous JOY.
It’s been a crazy week. I’ve had to try a lot of different things, but (slightly grudgingly) I think we have figured it out. As long as I don’t think about it too hard, I’m okay. I may just grieve a bit this weekend, but then in a couple more, I will take a vacation with Den for the first time in 5 years and love every minute. There is a time and season for everything, and as sad as I am to see this one go, I am happy for the next chapter to begin. I never thought it’d be this confusing and complicated to wean my baby, but once again, I learn to never say never.
Now, close your eyes or look away if you must.